My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
