i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
