You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
someone owes me an orgasm
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
