zippers are such a cool invention
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
