I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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