Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
