I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
