I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
