dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
