How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
