sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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