Got a toothbrush?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
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