i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
