Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
