I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
