She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
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I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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