I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
