when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
