Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
