I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I AM VODKA MAN
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
