I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
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It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
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do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.