My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
