So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
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Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
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I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there