i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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