How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
