I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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