yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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