it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
You're a waste of cheezeits
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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