i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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