And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
