I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
