i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
You need Xanax blowdarts
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
