literally had 100 drinks last night.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
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why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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