I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
