I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
How does one acquire holy water?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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