i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
