I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I am available for nakedness
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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