Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
