He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
