I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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