Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Randomize
