I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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