The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
17 Exes Admit Why They Were Crazy In Their Past Relationship
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
These 25 Teachers Said Horrible Things to Their Students
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"