we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.