you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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