He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
