My nipple is on Facebook.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
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