you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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