I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
