What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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