He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize