I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
