I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
how drunk are you?
Several
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
