I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
last night I used snow as a chaser
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
