I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Yo dont text me then not text me
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
