I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I looked at my own cervix.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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