Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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