Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Can you bring me the toilet please
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
