Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
